Firstmed Blog

A British Crime Survey published in 1999 showed that men were as likely to have been assaulted by an intimate partner as women. Years later the common view remains that men are the most likely abusers. It also seems that the perception remains that when a man is beaten by a woman it’s comical. Having suffered domestic violence myself, I’m clear on the fact that it’s not funny.

However abuse manifests, be it physical, emotional or mental it rocks our self esteem. For me, it tore great big holes in my confidence, it made me withdraw from life to the extent I became reclusive.

For a time I also became dependant on the abuser. More than anything I wanted their approval. I wanted them to appreciate me or something I’d done. But that approval never came. That made me try all the harder. Still it never came. I began to feel inadequate as a human being, then later as a man.

On one occasion I was caught unawares when her temper flew out of nothing and she caught me unawares. That day she hit me repeatedly. I collapsed, legs paralyzed, unable to move. She was in a foul temper. Her eyes were bulging, mouth snarling and fists clenched. I realized, as I sat in a heap on the floor, that there was nothing I could do if she wanted to kill me.

That day, even if I had the strength, I wouldn’t have struck her back. I was brought up with a little courtesy - men don’t hit women - but of course I would have protected myself… if I could.

Without doubt I also loved this woman. I also knew I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. I knew I shouldn’t have been in the relationship, but once again she won me over with her remorse and what I genuinely believe was a realization that she shouldn’t behave in this way.

After this event I knew I needed help, but to seek help seemed disloyal to my partner. And let’s be honest I couldn’t really admit what was happening to me. I couldn’t walk into a doctor’s surgery and say my partner keeps beating me up. I couldn’t tell my friends I didn’t have the guts to leave. I couldn’t tell my family that I was hurting more than ever.

On one occasion I called the Samaritans - at least that was anonymous. Then one day I cracked. I went to see a holistic therapist. She knew my body was in pain and asked me a few questions. That was the day I let the cat out of the bag and began to find some support and enough personal strength to say to myself, Yes I love this woman, but I’m not going to be her victim any longer.

It’s hard enough to ask for help when you get abused, but especially hard for us men, who believe we’re too strong to be beaten. But the truth is it happens to us as much as it happens to women.